The power of vulnerability

It had been a while since I had felt ready to put myself out there. My job was going well, I felt good, physically (though still a long way to go) and I was ready to tell the world that I am worth it.

However, putting myself out there is not an easy task for me. One, because I have always been a sceptic when it comes to interacting with random people and systems online (heck I was probably one of the last adopters of online shopping and now I have Prime packages being delivered left, right and centre during work Zoom calls); and two, it takes a lot to get me excited in day to day life. So I knew that when a new person enters my life who can get me excited about a short WhatsApp conversation about snow, this relationship was going to be important to me.

But then after weeks of highs came weeks of lows. During the highs, I thought my life was made. I was on top of the world and couldn’t believe my luck. I couldn’t believe the number of things we had in common, even without the obligatory ‘online research’ that usually comes with meeting people online. She had an incredible sense of humour, a beautiful smile and I had that feeling of “I can’t wait to tell the world about her". That luck quickly ran out. She told me that she had been seeing other guys and decided to settle with another. A common occurrence in online dating apparently, my naivety exposed. During the lows, my anxiety was through the roof on the daily. I didn’t know what to say, what to do. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t laugh. I couldn’t be around others without feeling like my world was falling apart. It was clear that my mental wellbeing had taken a nose dive into the depths of the abyss left in the middle (and ever so slightly to the left) of my chest. Nothing I did seemed to fix me; I meditated, I took up new hobbies, I went for walks. Needless to say, I’m used to rejection. I’m not a single 30-something year old guy putting myself on blast on the Internet by being successful in relationships. But this was a feeling I had never felt before.

To go from I am worth it to I am worthless in a matter of weeks was so gut-wrenchingly fast that I barely had time to catch my breath and process it. But having the right people around me kept me grounded.

I reached out to a friend who I trusted to whip me back into shape. I told her how I felt I ended up in this position and how this position was pure horseshit. Expectedly, she gave me the cold hard truth. That I had put myself out there only to have my world, as fantastical as I had imagined it, destroyed. One of my worst fears and insecurities was materialising and I didn’t like it one bit.

Photo by Sarah Crego on Unsplash

My work was starting to be impacted. My head was all over the place. In a coincidental 1:1 with a colleague, I had expressed that things in my personal life were not going great. He enquired. Turned out he was a trained counsellor, incredibly passionate about mental wellbeing and had been for the past 10+ years. I trusted him. So we talked.

I couldn’t begin to explain how expressing my vulnerabilities to these two individuals in my life had made me see that I matter, that my feelings mattered. Initially I didn’t know how to express those feelings. I remember one morning, I woke myself up with tears. I desperately needed to pull myself together before a work call, then throughout the day, every “How are you doing?” became a trigger. At that point, I didn’t know how to express my feelings without breaking down.

Sometimes, it’s not about where to start, but just the act of expressing your feelings in the moment is enough to start the conversation. And that takes courage.

And I encourage anyone to do the same. If you ever feel like you are overwhelmed with feelings, you don’t know where to start or who to turn to, just taking that first step to talk about how you are feeling right here, right now, to someone you trust or someone who will listen, is incredibly powerful. You can be as vague or as detailed as you like. To the listener, things don’t have to make sense. They can just be. And that’s ok. In being vulnerable and voicing those feelings you are acknowledging them. And only by acknowledging them can you move past them.

So if you are ever in a similar situation and you don’t know what to do, turn to someone you trust, open up and be vulnerable. It can do wonders and lift the weight of the world off your shoulders. And perhaps even start mending that person-shaped hole that was left in the middle (and ever so slightly to the left) of your chest.

And if you ever want to learn more about vulnerability, check out Dr Brené Brown’s TED talk. She’s an inspiration and hits on all the key points about vulnerability, shame and belonging. Her work is incredibly eye-opening and insightful, so I’d encourage anyone to read more! Or don’t. It’s your life or whatever. Just be nice.